Lisa Overman, A Healed Heart

Hawaii is one of my favorite places on earth and the Big Island of Hawaii holds a special kind of magic for me. With worries the last couple days of Tsunami warnings my thoughts have been on Hawaii’s islands and my friends who live there. So this post is for each of you; may the islands remain safe and the spirit of Aloha surround each of you. 

kinsiekins photo flickr

kinsiekins photo flickr

We all make mistakes and make choices or decisions that take us away from our center occasionally. We ruminate over our mistakes and we beat ourselves up for them much too much, when we are far better served to use our energy toward creating healing in our life  and improved choices in our future. At times we do the very best we can and we still make mistakes, that’s natural, we are human. We sometimes make mistakes out of fear, out of impulsiveness and sometimes just an error in judgement when we couldn’t read a situation clearly.

Mistakes are moments, we can’t always change the direct impact of our mistake but we can certainly take another positive route from that place. We can create good from mistakes, what we learn from we use in future situations and at times our own mistakes allow us to understand another better. There are moments of forgiveness of self and of others for each of us. When we hurt another or another hurts us it isn’t always easy to reach a place of forgiveness, though it’s best for our own healing when we reach out for that place of peace and release ourselves from that pain. Forgiveness allows us to move forward with an open and healed heart.

On most occasions people hurt us without really realizing how deeply their behavior or their actions impact us. They are seeing situations through their own eyes, not ours. Many times it’s in hind sight that they begin to realize the real impact their actions had on us. I work hard to forgive the actions of others, that have impacted and damaged my spirit and heart. At times it’s not easy, at times I”ve wanted to lash out like anyone in my moments of deepest pain and grief. At times I have been physically sick from the pain of loss and the hurt caused by another. There is a time of healing, of mending of the spirit, a time when only the love of God can work within us to help us to move through the pain and reach the other side to understand the fear or the pain or the frustration or inconsideration that drove their actions in the first place.

It doesn’t make their action right. Healing simply brings is a sense of understanding that they were  in pain or uncertainty and their choices were self defeating and that we must simply step back and allow them to live through their choices and find their own way. We can request God watch over them, we can ask that they be surrounded and supported in their lives. From there we step away and release them, forgiving them and beginning  to find our own sense of calm, knowing we did all we could do within the situation.

I find many times that things come full circle. We are given opportunities and moments to bring peace to relationships, families, and friendships when we keep our hearts open and we allow the space for others to step forward in their own way and make peace. Forgiving and making peace, doesn’t mean forgetting or allowing ourselves to be stepped on again. It means allowing the love of God to work through us, in it’s own way and beginning anew, remembering what we experienced, learning from it, and creating a new bond one day at a time, one word at a time, one message at a time. It’s allowing God to heal us, to heal a situation, to heal a heart. It’s remaining open even when we don’t understand fully what God’s plan is. It’s trusting God to lead us, to guide our life and to guide our heart peacefully so that something broken can be rebuilt.

Photo Credit: Lisa Overman

We all have moments, weeks and years in our lives when pain, grief and loss overcome us. We move through our losses at the pace our hearts allow. For some healing comes more quickly than for others, there is no right or wrong when a heart is healing. The statement “Time Heals” was on my mom’s nurse tee shirt and I have found that to be true in my own life, with my own losses.

At times there is nothing we can to do help another heal besides offer our love and support. At times our love and support will be turned away, as our friends or loved ones grapple with their pain, loss and scars in their own way. I can attest that it is frustrating beyond belief to watch someone you love turn away from your love and your support because they are in pain and can’t open their hearts fully. 

In those times there is nothing more to do than step back and allow God to touch their life and help them to heal. There is only so much any of us can offer and if we are turned away then we release them, knowing we did everything we could. We gave our support and our love freely and there is nothing more to be done. In their deepest pain only God can guide our friends and loved ones who need to heal.

Healing takes place as each person is ready for it. For some it’s a dark, scary, painful, path. I know, I’ve walked that path several times over in losing my parents, my daughter and so many friends and relatives to death. I walked it as my marriage ended. There is no easy way down that path, it is a path that we walk with God, without even knowing it. We are supported and loved even in our darkest pain and deepest grief, even when we don’t feel it, and long for support. The hardest part of having walked that path is knowing I can’t take away another’s pain or fear. Those are things that have to happen within each of us, we have to willingly open our heart again and take a chance to love, even when we feel our lives have been destroyed by the pain love caused.

There is no easy path through the pain of watching your marriage end, watching the one you love walk away and go to another. I know, I watched it happen in my own life. I watched my husband walk away six months after our daughter died, moving in with another woman. In that same time period my grandfather whom I adored died and just months later my aunt was killed by a drunk driver.
It was truly the year from hell. I don’t know how my family and I made it through that darkness; but we did.

I went on to love again, to love more deeply and to love more passionately because then I understood how quickly loss can come and how precious each day with those we love is. Life can end in a instant and goodbyes don’t always come. I know that first hand. So now I live generously, with passion and with a grateful heart for everyone in my life. It isn’t always easy and sometimes I get slapped with pain and loss again, but I know God is always there and I will always be supported and guided.

There is nothing we can do but share our hearts with love, with those we treasure. When those we love walk away, as they sometimes do we can only pray that if they are meant to be a part of our lives that God will heal their hearts and heal ours too. Healing comes as we are ready to accept it. Sometimes we fight it, we struggle in every way to go against it because we are so deeply in pain and fear. In those darkest times, I pray that God’s support will be felt by those I love, and by those you love too. All we can do is pray that healing comes on angels wings and those we love find joy, peace and love again. There is nothing more we can ask. Love heals

The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.
Dalai Lama

Photo Credit: Lisa Overman Indian Shores Beach, St Petersburg, FL

I think most of us can relate to the idea that holidays are filled with moments of deep love, challenge, emotion and a wide variety of expectations. For me it starts with the commercials filled with happy families gathering around to share a meal, opening gifts or sharing their day together. That is the beautiful side of family and committed relationships. The flip side is that most of us have experienced the loss of people that we truly love and treasure and enjoying the holidays without them is never an easy experience. We learn to accept our loss, to move forward, to heal; but somewhere in side, at least for me is a place of sadness that I can no longer share the significance of special days with my parents and with others I’ve lost.

Holidays seem to be filled with a mixture of joy for those we can be with, pleasure for the special moments when we can hold those dear to us and filled with tinges of sadness for what can never be again with those we’ve lost. Even with those we love still near to us on the earth plane the holidays can be a roller coaster of emotion. Families squabble, they have different views on life and they certainly have different priorities and wishes. Talk to anyone in my extended family and you will get a variety of versions of what a holiday should be. Some prefer the holiday with their immediate family, others enjoy the extended family. Some prefer a sit down meal, others enjoy a pot luck so based on my own family I can only imagine that there is an abundance of roller coaster experiences out there for many during the holidays. When I turned on the Today Show this morning, they were discussing strategies to use to handle relatives and emotional situations during the holidays.

For me it’s best to keep it simple by spending time with those I treasure as well as making sure there is private time for reflection and prayer to remember those I miss, who remain close in my heart. Loss and grief are never easy to handle and the added pressure of holiday expections adds another dimension to the pain. My suggestion, detatch from any family drama, focus only on those things that bring you joy and release the expectation of being able to do it all.

There are endless instances in which communication is key. From relationships to jobs to social situations to meeting with Dr’s for tests. In each of these situations how we communicate our needs and our desires is essential. When we need care from our doctor and we don’t clearly express what we are experiencing in our body our doctor may not be able to understand where the problem lies. When we are speaking to a co worker or colleague, expressing our opinions with a respectful attitude and clarity can really enhance our working relationship. Being heard and knowing our opinions are respected, if not agreed with goes a long way to creating a healthy line of communication.

In our personal relationships communication is key in meeting both people’s needs. Men hate it when we whine, at least mine does. So being able to articulate what I need in a way that isn’t grating on his nerves is essential. For me being heard is essential so when he can acknowledge what I’m saying even if he doesn’t agree I feel respected. Every moment is not easy when communicating with another person. We all have our own quirks and shortcomings, by the same token we each have skills that we excell at. So in communicating with a loved one, friend or co worker it helps if we can remember to be respectful, articulate our needs and desires clearly and realize that we all hear things very differently. Acknowledging what has been said or agreed upon is an additional means to clarify what has been stated. Communication is a winding road with bumps and challenges but being a good listener, being willing to accept that sometimes we fail, being able to regroup, listen, and contemplate what we can do to improve our communication style goes a long way to making everyone feel respected, cared for and heard.

I hope that each of you are finding this book and online class as interesting and spiritually valuable as I am. I was particularly touched by a statement made on Oprah’s show last week about the <strong>A New Earth </strong>online class. Oprah had a variety of people from all walks of life on the show via skype to talk about how the book and class have changed their perceptions, their life and given them some poignant “Ah Ha” Moments. One was Army Captain, Mason Weiss stationed in Baghdad.

 His mother had given him the book to read before he headed to Iraq. He read the book before departing and found it so significant that he jotted down some of the statements that touched him the most and laminated them on an index card to carry with him in Iraq. He was on the show via Skype and pulled it from his uniform and read it for Oprah. I was touched by this particular statement.

<blockquote>When I get back home I don’t get a gift certificate or anything with all that wasted energy worrying about it or worrying about what might have happened. So it’s helped me tremendously and allowed me to separate my thoughts from my body and just stay in the present moment. Army Captain Mason Weiss, Baghdad, Iraq